Goldfinger here, given that there is a huge football game coming up this weekend, that basically everyone in the damn state of Wisconsin is obsessed with, I thought I would give you my take. You may be wondering "Goldfinger, why are you qualified to provide analysis for a football game?" Good question, you see, in the fall of 1997 I played flag football; if that does not qualify me as a football expert then i don't know what does. Anyways, I'm here to break down this huge game and let you know who the eventual winner will be. I believe the only fair way to go about doing this is examine each team position by position...
QB: This is a wash between the two QB's because the way I see it, neither will actually be focused on the game. As a recent Rick Riley article pointed out, Jay Cutler just flat out doesn't give a fuck about football or anything really. On the other sideline, Aaron Rodgers will presumably be checking out Brian Urlacher's ass all game... so those two are even.
HB: This position goes to the Bears. Packer fans, if you are complaining right now just shut up. Yes I know Ryan Grant got hurt but move on (that killed my fantasy team too but you don't see me bitching about it). Anyways, the Bears Matt Forte rushed for over 1,000 yards and had over 500 receiving yards; try doing that Brandon Jackson and James Starks. Also, if you are relying on other teams practice players to field a team, that is not a good sign. Advantage Bears.
WR: If the NFL was a track meet like Al Davis (Oakland Raider's owner) seems to think then the edge would go to the Bears. However, since Soldier Field has terrible turf and the Bears starting WR's have a combine IQ under 120, the Packers win this category. In fact, the Packers may have the best receivers in the league...
OL: This is going to be a controversial push. Although the Bears gave up a league high sacks this year, in recent weeks they have been playing much better. Also, in the first meeting the Packers offensive line shit it's pants at the sight of Julius Peppers, resulting in 15 penalties. So while most weeks the Packers win this, I say push and since we have no followers to disagree with me, I'm right, advantage Bears. Moving on
DL: Julius Peppers, enough said. As I mentioned before, the Packers react to Julius Peppers the way Harry Potter looked reacted dementors in the third book; and guess what, there is no patronus charm to stop Peppers. Advantage Bears.
LB: Clay Matthews is very good at football, and AJ Hawk went to the best college football program in the land. However, since they both have substantially more hair than my girlfriend (Yes, Emma Watson and I are dating...) and we all know girls can't play football, advantage Bears. Oh, also I hear two of the Bears three linebackers made the Pro Bowl while only one of four Packers did. I'm not great at math but 66% is better than 25% right?
DB: Packers win. I don't really want to discuss this because I believe Charles Tillman is a great human being, and a great spokesman for being an organ donor. At the same time, Charles Woodson is my most hated NFL player. However, somewhere between, presumably, stealing from the poor and drinking unicorn blood, Woodson and Collins found time to become good football players.
Special Teams: Devin Hester is the best return man ever! Jordie Nelson, a white man, helps return kickoff's for the Packers. Robbie Gould is the third most accurate kicker ever to play football. Mason Crosby used to look good kicking in the thin air of Colorado. HUGE advantage Bears.
If you are keeping track at home, the Bears seemed to have the advantage in Sunday's game. However, the final point I will make will also be summed up in my Youtube video of the day; the Bears have home-field advantage and Chicago is home to the best sports fans in the world. So, when choosing who to put your money on Sunday remember, a kid who once played flag football and occasionally plays Madden says the Bears will win. And as promised, the best fans in the world....
Sad news blog follower(s)...Apparently Emma Watson and I are not dating (yet). Sorry for any confusion earlier in the article. However, Hawk and Matthews still look like girls.
Much Love,
Goldfinger
great harry potter references in your football analysis. nerd.
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