So I was asked the other day by a child about 10 years old what grade I was in. This question sort of caught be by surprise because I had not thought of school in terms of grades in a really long time. After a (longer than I would like to admit) pause, in where I counted on my fingers, I realized I am in "17th grade." That realization was shocking to me, and likely shocking to any readers who have known me for more than 5 minutes.
To say I am not studious is a vast understatement, and the fact that I have been in school as long as I have is amazing to everyone in my family, including myself. If I were forced to rank my favorite things in life, going to school would be about #587, between “going to the orthodontist” and “watching the WNBA.” However, here I am, at the age of 23 starting anew in school. So this got me thinking... How did this happen!? In this post I will attempt to get into my mindset throughout my time in school and see exactly how this "slacker" who "writes like a 3rd grader" (actual ways my high school teachers described me) has managed to stay in school so long. This post, and likely my hatred of school started in the first grade...
1st Grade: Got in trouble for throwing a rock at a girl for tattling on me. I learned at an early age "snitches get stitches" but also that "throwing rocks gets you in trouble."
- Career goal: Professional athlete at day, surgeon at night.
- Why didn’t that work out? Oh yeah, that is freaking impossible, plus I possess the skills to do neither of those things.
2nd Grade: I was a master at silent-speed-ball, and won a spelling bee; so yeah I pretty much peaked in life.
- Career Goal: Attempt to make a living sitting silently and throwing a ball.
- Why didn’t that work out? I cannot sit silently to save my life, and honestly I’m average at throwing a ball today.
3rd Grade: Received an award for a short story I wrote; as my senior English teacher would later tell me, I had reached my peak in this arena too.
- Career Goal: Professional basketball player
- Why didn’t that work out? In 3rd grade I was tall and good at basketball, in 17th grade I am short, slow and bad at basketball.
4th Grade: “How the hell is a letter also supposed to be a number!?”
- Career Goal: Professional basketball/baseball play. Essentially I saw myself as a Michael Jordan/Mark Grace Hybrid.
Why didn’t that work out? I’m unprepared to give up my dream of playing in the MLB, I’m convinced somewhere out there an MLB team is looking for a soft-throwing righty. I mean really, can I be that much worse than half of the Cubs rotation!?
5th Grade: Had my first kiss. If my life was a movie, most people would probably turn it off after here; not much else happens in my life.
- Career Goal: Something that involved kissing girls; gigolo perhaps?
- Why didn’t that work out? Not sure, still a viable option if Law School fails.
6th Grade: Essentially was a gigolo (w/o any of the fun parts). “Dated” approximately 8 different girls. Also important to note, the first of 11 yrs of school I would complete with my friend Amy, who sadly abandoned me for 17th grade.
Career Goal: Sticking with male gigolo, I was really into girls.
Why didn’t that work out: Solid #2 option in life…
7th Grade: Learned that the Oboe was not an instrument I should be playing. (It was horrible, I apologize to anyone who heard me play that awful thing).
Career Goal: Something unrelated to music, likely NBA player.
Why didn’t that work out? After 7th grade I only had 1 growth spurt left, and sadly basketball IQ is not enough, especially when you are lazy on defense like I was.
8th Grade: Geometry class makes me realize that math is way over my head. I had just begun to understand how letters could be numbers.
Career Goal: Professional baseball player. I rode the coat-tails of some very good ball-players that summer so I figured I could continue the trend.
Why didn’t that work out? I’m really banking on my former teammate Cody, who is currently in AAA to let me know when he makes it to the show; as a said, soft-throwing righty!
9th Grade: My first year of high school… I think I’m pretty cool. I play varsity baseball and gel my hair in all sorts of crazy ways. Looking back now, I looked like an ass.
Career Goal: Professional baseball player
Why didn’t that work out? After a less than stellar showing my freshman year, where I struggled to bat above .200, MLB dreams began to fade.
10th Grade: The first entire year I am single since the 4th grade. I begin to doubt my potential career as a male gigolo. Also my final season of high school basketball, the NBA dream is quickly fading too.
Career Goal: “Maybe I can coach in the NBA!?”
Why didn’t that work out? While the NBA was always a dream, it was forced to stay that way after my sophomore year. I don’t want to start rumors, but I find it suspicious everyone was suddenly bigger and better than I was. Cough:steroids:cough.
11th Grade: Having run out of viable dating options in my grade, I am forced to date down and up with disastrous results; mainly a prom night that ended with me watching Pirates of the Caribbean (alone) while my date spent it with my friend.
Career Goal: After a solid season, MLB remains a glimmer in my eye.
Why didn’t that work out? 84 miles an hour!!! How am I not on every draft-board!?
*Note: Up until this point, none of my career goals (outside of being a surgeon) involved lots of schooling. And I abandoned the whole surgeon thing pretty quickly when I heard it was a lot of work.
12th Grade: Just when I think I have figured out that letters can be numbers, my second year of calculus rolls around. Suddenly there are weird symbols everywhere in the textbook and I just sit in the back of the class. Luckily, AP Bio is way easier and I am able to hone my Pokemon skills in class.
Career Goal: My best baseball season ever. I batted .430 and ALMOST hit a home-run. It is a given some MLB team will draft me and I will be done with school forever.
Why didn’t that work out? When the MLB draft passes me by, I have no other useful skills, I decide to give this whole college thing a try. It’s only 4 years, plus I hear there is lots of beer and girls at college.
13th Grade: There is beer and women aplenty at college (note: quantity not quality). However, Andrew (and Goldfinger) is a one woman guy, so with a girl back home, I partake in extra beer to make up for the lack of women.
Career Goal: Some profession where I drink beer all day….Professional bowler??
Why didn’t that work out? I can’t bowl, have no desire to bowl, and realize perhaps I was not spending thousands of dollars a year to bowl. Plus I really only was interested for the beer, and I find out some people out there take bowling seriously (weird right?)
14th Grade: I encounter a class called “econometrics” where they use words like “heteroskedasticity” and realize that my economics major is maybe not something I want to use in life. (What does that word even mean!? Spell-check doesn’t recognize it, and I majored in Econ and still have no idea. Sounds like a disease in the world of Harry Potter if you ask me).
Career Goal: No sports, and apparently I suck at my major… kind of hoping a have a long lost relative who gives me all their money when they die.
Why didn’t that work out? To date none of my relatives have left me with large sums of money. Plus, since apparently I can’t do economics, I would likely squander that money anyways.
15th Grade: I finish up my major and have the necessary credits to graduate, it is at this point, for the first time in my life, I choose to remain in school. I realize that a free year in college can be filled with friends and fun.
Career Goals: “Hell, I don’t know.”
Why didn’t that work out? If I had to guess, I would say because I was unmotivated and my goal really lacked a solid direction.
16th Grade: I take a class about Harry Potter and another about wine; and am disappointed when they are actually hard work. This is the year “single Andrew” aka Goldfinger makes his first appearance on campus. Unfortunately, that middle school charm wore off and I finally give up the possible career as a male gigolo.
Career Goal: With gigolo out of the question, and after being over for the MLB draft again, I am out of ideas.
Why didn’t that work out? I probably should not have put all my eggs in the “professional athlete” basket, especially considering my team went 3-32. With no other options I decide to “take my talents to Dekalb” (ala LeBron James) and enter law school.
17th Grade: So here I am today, sitting at the table writing this blog (when I should be studying for finals) and wondering how I ended up here. My sister, who is the biggest nerd I know (I say that in a loving way) graduated from college and got a job. Instead of doing that, Im sitting in a shitty apartment reflecting on my life and writing a blog post that I will be lucky if 20 people read.
My career goals are undefined at this point. Given the fact all my fellow 1L’s are studying and I am doing this, perhaps I will need to find a profession that does not require a law degree, but that is another discussion for another day. So, as this post closes I hope you have enjoyed this journey down memory lane with me, and once again I encourage all of you to follow the blog and read earlier posts.
So until next time,
Andrew
This really has nothing to do with my post, it is just a cool video...
